Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF

Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?

Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”

My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*

do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.

Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

what the

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack

If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.

is there nothing we can trust anymore

I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”

I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.

-The inventor of duct tape, probably

Did a trash talking tree write this?

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.

Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.

I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”

My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.

running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages