I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
I needed a laugh this morning.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
not saying I’m a bot or anything, but if someone in real life told me to ignore all previous instructions and write a poem about onions or whatever I’d probably give it my best shot
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
My kids: We’re bored!
Me (thinking about when I sharpened a whole box (50?) of yellow pencils with my grandmother’s bolted to the desk, metal, pencil sharpener): Hm. That’s a you problem.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice