I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen