It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
When I tell my wife I’m gonna have to work late she knows it’s code for I was playing with super glue and I’m stuck to my desk again.
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
The hotel has a live band and my favourite song is “We’re going for a break now, we’ll be back later”
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
actors kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don’t fall in love but when someone holds the door for me i think about it for like 5 months