I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
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Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.