Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.

Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

Okay I try very hard to be respectful of the gentle parenting camp but I laughed out loud at this.

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

[pregnant with first child]

Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.

[two years later]

Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.

Wife: she’s fine.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

genie: you have three wishes

me: i want 1000 ants to protect me

genie: you got it

me: psychic ants

genie: uh ok

me: make them as big as a blue whale

genie: dude what’s wrong with you

“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”

I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.

[climbing inside trojan horse]

general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*

Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

[First day as an undercover cop]

Drug Dealer: You got the money?

Me: … *into cufflink* Line?

Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…

Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.

[Cannibal Restaurant]

Waiter: Need anything else?

Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.

Tired of actually helping? Try prayer