I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”