I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
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we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.