I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Neither of my kids likes boba, so I fear that they will not fit in with all their peers who seem to be singlehandedly keeping the 14 boba places in business within a mile of our house
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection