Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…

…go for the juggler.

*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*

A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all

Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.

I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.

Mushroom: what the heck am I?

God: you’re a mushroom

Mushroom: is-is that good?

God: yes, you have a very important job to do

Mushroom: like what?

God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know

Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.

Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even

The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

*orders delivery*

My husband got rid of a big spider from the bedroom window using a pair of boxer shorts the other night. He waved them out of the window to shake the spider off. It was late at night and he wondered if this might be considered a sign for certain people.

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted