I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[On the phone]
Friend: I have news. Are you sitting down?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.