I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
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Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!