I turn off the light to sprinkle on hot sauce because I like surprises
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
my boss: here’s your raise
me: thanks
my landlord: he was talking to me
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Hey man, best wishes. And I’m not just saying that because I’d be the number one suspect if something happened to you.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.