Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze

Me: please put your pants back on

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

[on date]

HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”

ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.

we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.

[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.

Me: How do you know?

4: I licked it.

***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.

“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”

[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish

Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been

Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*

Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?

Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.