I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
You Might Also Like
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
Somebody’s lying.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
I wish I were this cool 😂
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.