Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: how was your day?

3yo: goob

Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.

“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

Therapist: Have you ever had a job?

Me: I once worked at a zoo

Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?

Me: Definitely not a penguin

Therapist: what

Me: what

Give me a minute, I can make this about me.

The 6yo neighbor kid looked inside and said, “whoa your house is way different than mine” and I’m going to need him to come back and elaborate

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

OKAY IF YOU CANNOT HAVE CAKE AND EAT IT TOO WHAT EXACTLY IS THE PURPOSE OF CAKE

The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.

Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?

Me: living

Delighted to have won the freight contract to help Ukrai… never mind.

Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour

Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong

Me: I haven’t started yet

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?

HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.

You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.

I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.

A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.

If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK

[after divorce]

I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.