Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…

I’ve been his customer for 6 years.

I had no idea he was a barber.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?

Date: Your eyes look beautiful in the moon’s light.

Me: Awww.

Date: *leans in for a kiss*

Me: The moon doesn’t make light, stupid.

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.

Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character

Him: ok so your password needs to be

Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Professor X: So what’s your power?

Me: I can heal immediately-

X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.

Me: -from any emotional wounds.

X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.

Me: I’m completely ok with that.

I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭

the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

they should invent a hydrating liquor

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

My husband and I are very compatible.

He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

olympians only bite their medals because they are curious. they are not trying to to eat them. they just use their mouths to investigate objects like sharks

Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!

I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

[reverse psychology]

me: tell me about your childhood

therapist: *crying* where do I begin?