Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.

To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!

Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

The smoothest fall of all time

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?

My kid: I’m not sure

Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?

My kid: I need more time to think

A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

[camping]

me: why can’t i find any animals

wife: the wildlife is very conservative here

deer: climate change is a myth

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale

[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s

🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶

– assembling my bike… I was about 6

Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.

Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.

The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

welcome to janurary 32nd everyone

Me: (Sigh) There she is.

Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.

Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!

My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS