I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plateMe: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Hi, I’m a parent. You may remember me from such greats as “Repeating Myself” and “Arguing over Shoes” and “Stepping on Cereal.”
Hot Panini is in big trouble
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty