I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
When I pack too much for a short trip.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
constantly working on myself.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??