I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
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These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?