I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Friend: Did you see that movie about The Substance?
Me, thinking they’re talking about Flubber: Yeah, wow. Just wow.
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
no boss i promise i would work so so efficiently with a 4-hour workweek cross my heart
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great