I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
How to woo a woman
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Guy who likes music
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report