I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.

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What do we want?

When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”


Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!


[At job interview]
M. “No, English is my second language.”
I. “What’s your first language then?”
M. “Emoji.”


I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.


Note to self:

Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.


I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.


*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*

Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…

Me: *starts digging again*


I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.


I just don’t understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.


It’s not a real twitter addiction until you look up from your phone and you’ve missed your exit by 37 states.