I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Need this in my life lol
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
If the Twitter algorithm actually understood me, my targeted ads would all be wine and sandwiches.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition