I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You Might Also Like
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
“No way.” -Jose
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
i still think about this 10yr old post a lot
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”