I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
You Might Also Like
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
What flavor cupcake are these
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them