I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
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Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
I feel so good when I drink enough water. Not like, physically. I just feel like I’m better than everyone else
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
My kids are old enough to stay home by themselves, so most of my day is spent refreshing Google Earth to see if my house is on fire.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.