Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.

My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi

When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on

On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.

How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.

parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp

[flirting at Taco Bell]

Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.

[seconds later]

Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.

Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2

tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup

The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide

Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

Me: Gluten Morgen!

Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?

Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!

Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.

Wife: IT’S 8 AM

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.