Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”

“Sweet! We should hang out!”

– Ear buds

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.

Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.

Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?

in the 9th grade, everyone dressed up as a hero, but i didn’t. a guy i liked asked me what I was dressed as, and i said i’m dressed as your girlfriend. he skipped the next 2 days

i just want to say sorry you failed your algebra test brad but i’m still dressed as your girlfriend

Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?

“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat

Me: NOT TODAY SATAN

Satan: But-

Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!

Jesus: To be fair he did say not today

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

When my kids ask me anything before coffee

Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

“Read that again”

No thanks, it sucked the first time.

We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.

“How about Radio Shack?”

Perfect.

I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.