I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma
LMAO.
Other than that, Mrs. Gloop, how was the chocolate factory?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
This anagram machine is out of order.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.