I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
Snapes on a plane.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?