I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
Pizza is an emotion right?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Can’t wait for the next debate, I’m so close to deciding who to vote for.
Every photo I’m tagged in
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.