I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
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Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open