* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
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[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters