Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids

Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”

Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.

At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.

her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

[arriving in hell]

me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever

satan: where did you even find denim underwear

* on my death bed

Me: One thing I want you to do for me…

Wife: Name it?

Me: I want you to marry Larry.

Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?

Me: I do.

monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you

me: [pulls covers over head] your move

Sometimes? I’m slipping

“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.

If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.

*gets into any creepy van*

*Gets kicked out*

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

Me: it’s cold and wet.

Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?

Me: n-no.

Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.

Me: why?

Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.

Me:

Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.

*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*

Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?

Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.