Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.

A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.

If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

[texting friend]

me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad

friend: oh man

me: now she’s texting my mom

friend: OH MAN

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

same but as an audience member

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter