Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.

I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective

I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought

[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.

He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground

When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby

I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok

To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed

Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

sometimes I think about my physics professor who proudly brought his twin babies to class & w/tears in his eyes said I’ve been waiting my entire life to demonstrate the inertia twin paradox and started running around the classroom with one baby. I hope he’s having a good day

Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support

Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.

I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding

me: *blows a raspberry*

raspberry: ah yea baby

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

I’m just a girl

Hiding under a bed

Hoping his wife leaves soon

Again