I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
I’ve worked several high-pressure corporate jobs, but I never put more effort into the way I look than when I’m working with kids. Like, the CEO of a company never asked me what happened to my hair or why I’m dressed like Beetlejuice.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?
Me: Mad devil
Therapist: You have to stop
Me: Crying cat
Therapist: No
Me:
Therapist: Very good
Me: Dancing lady
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it