Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.

me: there’s a bunch of cars following us

date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster

[Funeral]

Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”

Widow: “Please do”

Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”

Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”

I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”

Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans

I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.

“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.

Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.

Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:

If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.

I saw instructions in a mens restroom on how to wash your hands properly. How stupid is that? As if men read instructions

Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009