Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year

I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014

I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.

My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing it

I have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him

This is motherhood

What do you want to be when you grow up?

other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…

my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.

“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign

*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble

(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)

was Jim off killing horses or…

Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Doctor answering his door: sorry kid I ordered 100 but they sent me a 1000

Trick or treating teen: ewwww a stool sample kit!?!

The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit

Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.

The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!

let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard

I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.

Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?