Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Aliens: take us to your leader

Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.

I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

[enter password]

“dog”

[password must be longer]

“dachshund”

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.

telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.

“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.

My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco

How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh

My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.

Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.

her: I like a confident man

me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire