I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
You Might Also Like
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
[eulogy]
line?
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
Growing up with a race car bed really prepared me for having to sleep in my 2004 Honda Accord
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*