I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
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“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Catering service
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
The spelling of “bourgeoisie” was intended as yet another means of oppression
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
car not found
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.