I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
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Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
My phone autocorrected “people” to “pricks” because my phone knows all of you
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
I can’t stop laughing at this
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!