i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
A customer told me they were never coming back….
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the runMe on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
dude in this airport saw me reading and said “oh you like literature, have you heard of……. charles dickens” and i said no
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.