Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Bond. Trauma bond.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Quadruple digit IQ
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.