I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

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First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.


The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”


Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.

Well, there goes the neighborhood.


*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.


Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.


ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang

SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?

ME: I have no idea


I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.


“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys


Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?

Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?


A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”