First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.
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The first judge ever was like “When I’m done talking I’ll pound my desk with a hammer” and we were all “Ok that’s not insane”
Twitter is considering a 10,000-character limit for tweets.
Well, there goes the neighborhood.
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
“Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches” – I’m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”