@summerofbenny

I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

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@Marlebean

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

@SamanthaRae49

When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.

@SudsBitches

My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.

@Samiam556

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?

@KylePlantEmoji

Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20

Her: they’re probably phoney

Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones

@mewritesgood

Hey Google, if I’m searching for “herpes symptoms” then no, no I’m not “feeling lucky.”

@squirrel74wkgn

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine