@summerofbenny

I typed 18 beers into my calorie counting app, and it uninstalled itself.

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@knot_eye

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

@TheRolo

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

@KimmyMonte

[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?

@sofarrsogud

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

@amyisforawesome

If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.

@TheAlexNevil

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

@SonOfCha

Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.

@JimmerThatisAll

A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.

That.