I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
beware of dog
(jukin media)
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
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Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
the nation is so divided we need another Cut essay to bring us together