I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
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I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
“Oh hi, you’re home early”
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES