I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
currently into monogamous friendships. if u have Other friends please dont talk to me it hurts my heart
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
how DARE
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
I was just at my neighbors house with my kids and a bunch of other neighbor kids and the host asked a 3yo if she could get her anything and the girl goes “could you bake a pie?”
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
