I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
