I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid