I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Prince William should rent out some rooms in Kensington Palace to tourists. Call it Heirbnb.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
The swamp creature from the haunted lagoon?
Nope just me back from the gym
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Adopting a new raccoon family from the local dump is far more rewarding than buying from one of those upscale designer raccoon boutiques.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.