I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
Him: Toast me some bread please?
Me *raising wine glass
Here’s to bread!
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing