I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
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Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.