Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

ME: Is that a B or an 8?

HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?

ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.

KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

me: what’s your biggest turnoff

her: noisy people

me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same

[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”

My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.

My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.

Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.

I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”

10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.

6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?

Me: Yes.

6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.

9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.

I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.

Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.

FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you

SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet

Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.

Them: Why are you late?

Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.

I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.

You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees