Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay

Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”

“Anything in between?”

“Nope”

[Standing ovation]

“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile

Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.

when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.

Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.

Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.

My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.

Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.

Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.

“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person

When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.

Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise

*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.

(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)

weaknesses

How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.

i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”

I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day

I gave one kid a laser pointer and told the other to catch the dot.

Follow me for more pro-parenting tips.

the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others