I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
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Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
here we go again
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.