Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.

Me: I think you mean between you and me.

Her: I don’t mean either now.

You’re all using your crystals wrong. Put them in a sock and start swinging.

Hey
@Boeing
, my neighbor Gary that mows at 8 am, is saying a lot of bad things about your company. DM me for address.

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?

Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot

I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.

…or queso.

…or salsa.

…or dill pickles.

…or Jeff Goldblum.

…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.

I ain’t picky.

if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this

*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the

When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”

Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos

My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.

I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.

Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?

School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.

Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.

He was a Norman Cook.

Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested

Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads

I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.

Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.

This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.