I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
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Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
A: ink & suction cups
G: Hmmm..
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
This global outage sounds like I’m finally getting the y2k bug I was promised as a child
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.