i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
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i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
My mom always said, ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’ Funeral was pretty quiet
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
❤️🦆
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.