i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
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Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
I saw a guy biking in a park pulling his kid in a chariot behind him and I’ve never been more jealous of a toddler in my life.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
okay run it by me one more time
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.