Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

My job sucks but it pays the bills.

Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

The only thing we need to bring back is duels.

[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*

Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel

Her: That’s so sweet, I-

Green Day is overrated

Her:

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.

I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it

I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.

Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras

My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.

So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.

up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star

how do i become a farmer do i apply somewhere or just like start digging

‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body

You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!

there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry

Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school

Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter

make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years

Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.

“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”

My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud

Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”

Waiter: would you like a lobster bib

Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?