I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Inside you there are two Durans. Both are hungry like the wolf.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince