Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart

I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.

She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes

have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.

god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

[Plastic surgeon’s office]

Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*

Secretary: what the hell was that?

Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

To clean up or just move. This is the question.

I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”

Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.

11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?

Me: 12

11:

Me:

11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –

Me: choose your next words wisely.

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.

[first day in the Mafia]

Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked

Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?

Me: oh no

“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”

Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.

requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.

wife: how is it outside?

me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree

Although my parachute instructor was calm and softly spoken he always made me jump .

Me: Do the dishes.

10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.

Me: Do the dishes all week.