@jake_lach

I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

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@asimplesean

It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter

@myqkaplan

maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.

@_maybe_not_ever

Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…

@voguetony

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

@mayamanion

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

@DanMentos

who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area

@JohnLyonTweets

Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!

@jergarl

Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.

@Drytown1

Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.