I understand the face situation but you don’t have to be ugly on the inside too

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It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter


maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.


Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…


me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents


I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.


who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area


Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!


Wife: Do you hear that super annoying sound?

Me: No, what is it? *holds breath so I can hear better*

Wife: Oh thank God, it stopped.


Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.

Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?

Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.