good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Day 2 of my diet
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see