Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
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*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Batman v Dracula
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list