Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, today: don’t text and drive

Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*

*stubs toe

*puts $100 in the swear jar

{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.

{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??

if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot

My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”

18: Who’s saved in your phone as No?

Me: Like 10 different people, let’s just work on minding our own business.

I used to play computer games for three hours a day, but that was before I had a job. Now I can afford twice as many computer games.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS

Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.

Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews

I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.

#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe

Jennifer who dumped me in Junior High now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.

Oh, how the tables have turned Jennifer.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.

The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

I can turn wine into a one night stand.

Your move Jesus.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.

I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.

“What?”
– Jude

[first date]

Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys

Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right