I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
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I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
When I was a kid I assumed all Christmas songs were about Jesus because that was all I was exposed to so everytime I heard Last Christmas I was like…why would Jesus do that
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen