I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
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You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
What do you call it when everything pisses you off but you’re good at not murdering people?
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.