I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
CLEANING TIP- When cleaning windows or other glass products, you can apply orange juice to particularly grimy spots. This does not work however.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Eating for two.
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.