I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
You Might Also Like
at least 60% of our marriage is saying “come look at the dog”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
cats when you pet them too long:
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.