I unironically love this joke.
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If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
🤣😈🤣
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Why is it called “owl city” if there’s 10 million fireflies and no owls. should be called firefladelphia.
Full moons and eclipses are best captured with either a fancy lens or high quality mushrooms.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.