I unironically love this joke.
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ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
*pronounces patio like ratio
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Where is your GOD now????
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
Stole my neighbors family portrait & got it tattooed on my back. Now I’m standing in their living room facing the wall 2 see if they notice.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
adding to the discourse
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”