I unironically love this joke.
You Might Also Like
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
😲 WTF? 😆
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Being a parent:
Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….
Hahahahahahahaah.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars