Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no

Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse

Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you

Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ

If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.

I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.

I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻‍♂️

America: Japanese ads are extremely weird

Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*

Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?

I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms

Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……

Me:….*shoe ready in hand*

Also me: you’re actually kinda cute

Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*

Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.

realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs

– my dog

ME: let me try a yo-yo trick

DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no

When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”